my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
