She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
