it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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