I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
sarcasm needs its own font
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
