Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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