I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
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after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
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I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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