where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
