Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
