you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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