You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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