On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
