my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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