dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
