why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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