How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
