There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
