By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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