so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
