I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
