I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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