Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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