So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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