I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
