my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
