dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
im six kinds of drunk right now
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
