I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
why do cheetos always look like penises
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
