im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
