i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
