Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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