I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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