So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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