and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
