I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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