I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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