I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
