The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
