And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
