I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
