oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
