No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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