I faked an abortion last night.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
