Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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