I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
