I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
