the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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