hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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