I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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