Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
