It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
