I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
