Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
