Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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