I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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