You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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