I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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