Do you still have your period?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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