What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
