his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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