I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
