I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
